Some of the basics needs that you share with the majority of people are the need for inclusion, for control and for affection. These needs form the basis for how we behave within relationships They become the core for why we join, stay in or leave relationships. 
You might immediately disagree with one of more of those three. Why? You are thinking that you are not a person that desires or even care to have control or affection. You may even argue that you don’t need to be included in anything.
I can understand that if you have had some very negative experiences in the past. These experiences have now shaped how you view these three needs.
Even though there have been negative experiences, it doesn’t mean that deep down within you, there is still not a desire to have these needs met. We are human beings that were created for relationships and the need to feel wanted.
When these needs go unmet, we form positions around the meaning of the “why.” We’ll conclude that “they” don’t like us, which only confirms our belief that we are not likable.
Most times these assessments and conclusion are based upon an isolated event. Someone said something unkind. You feel as if you and your ideas are being ignored or dismissed.
Whatever may have been the basis for your conclusions, the fact remain that there is a human need for all three within us. This is not to say there aren’t other needs, because we know there are. There is the need for security, safety, shelter, food and so on, but these are also as important because they determine the quality and quantity of your relationships.
The Reasons We Form Relationships Are Based On These 3 Needs:
1. The Need For Inclusion:
This need represents our desire to belong; to be involved and accepted. Some people have a greater need for this than others. Their value rises and fall on this need. When they don’t feel included, they think there is something wrong with them and they will do anything it takes to be included.
When this need is not me, not only may they think there is something wrong with them, but they may withdraw from others and become a loner. They will conclude, they don’t need anyone and seek to do life on their own. This could lead to mental and emotional instability.
They may on the other hand try to get noticed in behaviors that are unsafe and unhealthy. They so badly want to be included, they’ll do whatever it takes. They’ll try to impress, manipulate situations and people, exaggerate and even resort to seductive behaviors.
2. The Need For Control:
This need refers to feelings of competency, confidence, and the freedom to make our own decisions.
You see this when someone wants to be the “leader.” In relationships, they want to have the final say. They’ll do anything for this position. They’ll go to war for it if they have to.
On the other hand, someone may not have such a strong desire but will seek to undermine what is being done. This is their way of control. In a husband / wife relationship, she may use sex as her way of control. He may use money as his way of control. They both could use both methods. It’s the need for control never-the-less.
3. The Need For Affection:
This need reflects our desire to be liked by others. Those who have this strong need – not everyone has a strong need – seek close relationships and expressions of warmth from others. I know that I don’t have as strong a need as some people do but there is a part of me that still seeks it.
Those with this strong need want to be liked by others. I would say that was me at one point. I found myself bending over backwards if needs be, so that I could be liked. I have since passed that, which I outlined how here. I still do but not to the extent it once was.
When affection needs are not met, people will become uncomfortable being around others, and like the need for inclusion, withdraw. They may appear aloof and uninvolved. When asked about their “new” behavior, they rarely share their honest feelings or opinions.
On the other hand, some who have this strong need may resort to inappropriate behaviors. They may become too talkative, too personal and too confiding. They will use this approach seeking to “purchase” affection.
Your Turn:
Which of these three needs resonates more with you? What do you do when you don’t get that need met?
I would love to hear from you on this topic. Please take a moment and leave a comment below.
