Most relationships can have a more positive experience. This requires some behavior changes from those involved. These simple changes even though not easy, can radically improve communication in your relationship.
Outlined below are five sure fire ideas to improve communication in your relationship.
These ideas have made a difference in my life and in the many relationships I enjoy.
At times, I do not do them well. I’ve noticed when I don’t, the results are anything but positive.
What I find happening is that finger pointing (blaming) become the order of the day. I have been guilty of this myself. Who wants to take the blame for why a relationship is having problems?
When the focus is on being right and who wins an argument, conflict will almost always be present. At the end of the day, is it who wins or who is right or is it that we are able to work through areas of conflict?
How does this work? Let’s make up a scenario:
My son has a tendency to take the clothes out of the drier and leave the basket close by until the other load of clothes has dried. His reason is that it will save him an extra trip.
That’s reasonable, isn’t it? Makes sense. Right?
Here’s the first problem: if I go to put some dirty clothes in the basket that is by the laundry area, there’s no sign that says, “clean clothes.” I might proceed to place the dirty clothes on top of the clean clothes because I didn’t know.
Here’s the second problem: the clothes which came from the drier, now sits there and become wrinkled … more ironing is now needed. Did I say that I don’t like ironing? Do you?
Now, what do we have?
- An upset dad.
- Dirty clothes on top of clean clothes.
- A frustrated son.
What are some possible responses from me?
I could:
- Yell at him
- Call him names such as lazy
- Request that he re-wash the load of clothes
- Discuss the lack of wisdom behind his action
- And so on
Here’s the question: would any of the above be helpful? Would it get me what I want? Maybe for a moment and maybe not. It could make matters worse.
Here then are 5 ways to improve communication in your relationship so it becomes better and not bitter. NOTE: You must plan to put in place these 5 ideas, the next time you experience a conflict.
1. Focus on the behavior (rather than on the person)
What was the behavior with my son’s scenario? He left the clothes in the basket. So, I could ask him for the “why” behind it and acknowledge that it does seem to make sense and does save time. Then I could proceed to share with him the negatives. The wrinkled clothes. Throwing the dirty clothes on top of his clean clothes. If I did that, it would be focusing on the behavior and not the person.
2. Describe the behavior (rather than judging it)
I could acknowledge that the two-trips idea makes sense. I could then proceed to show how the idea had more negatives than positives. Doing this keeps me from making a judgment on whether it was a stupid choice or not. I am only describing what I know to be factual.
3. Provide factual observations (rather than assumptions)
By pointing out the possibilities of dirty clothes being thrown on the clean ones, is fact and not assumptions. The clothes becoming wrinkled, is also factual. None of these are assumptions. Assumption would be: “you were too busy on the phone or playing games” that you didn’t have time to check the wash and dry cycle. I would be making up a story that may or may not be relevant whatsoever.
4. Choose an appropriate time and place to contribute feedback (rather than ignoring the circumstances)
Here is where I tend to get it wrong some times … the timing. My impatience does get the better of me at times. The times it doesn’t, the results are a lot better. From experience, waiting for an appropriate time is much better. What’s an appropriate time? A time that would lessen the possibility of conflict.
An appropriate time isn’t when things are “hot.” It is best if possible, to address the situation when you have given yourself time to think. Use a light or playful approach in your response. This is a better outcome.
5. Give supportive feedback to help other (rather than meeting your own needs)
The feedback I could give my son is this: “son, next time that you do the wash, take the dry load and can sort it out while it is warm. This way it will need less ironing.”
Summary Points:
- Focus on the behavior not the person
- Describe the behavior rather than judging it
- Provide factual observations rather than assumptions
- Choose an appropriate time and place to contribute feedback
- Give supportive feedback that would be helpful to the other person
The following is in essence what is being said above:
“I’m a little frustrated with the clothes being left in the basket (feelings) when it could be taken out and sorted while it is warm and remove the risk of dirty clothes thrown on clean clothes (thoughts). Let’s make sure we remove the risk of dirty clothes on clean clothes and keep the clothes less wrinkled (want).”
What Should You Do Now:
You could use this format for your own situation when trying to convey your feelings about a certain matter. You’re also pointing out what you want to see different next time.
I would love to know your thoughts on this post. Leave your comment below.
