In our busy world that we live, there is a need or a perceived need to remain in reactive mode. It’s the survival mentality or at least that’s the message we have received.
Reactive mode is one where we give both positive and negative feedback to others without taking much time to clearly think through our response. It’s a knee-jerk reaction that we give to very important situation.
This is more prevalent in familiar settings.
One of those setting, which is of utmost importance, is our immediate relationships … relationships that really matters. These I call significant relationships.
Have you realized that you tend to be more patient with people who are not as close or important to you?
Why do you do that?
I believe, it’s because we want those people to think well of us. We care about what they think.
This is not so much the case with those we have a closer or a longer term relationship. We tend to take them for granted.
Am I the only one who share these sentiments? I don’t think so.
So, what tends to happen in our busy world where our reactions are so immediate in terms of relating to those close to us?
I believe without realizing it, we sabotage those relationships. Here are five ways that this sabotaging occurs.
1. Stereotyping
Stereotyping is simply attributing to someone a set of qualities because of their background … a group to which they belong. In this case, it would be a family, friend or cultural group.
Let me illustrate with my own relationship.
My wife is from Jamaica and so am I. There are certain stereotypes that is attributed to women or most women from Jamaica. One of those is that they know how to cook and will follow the tradition of having weekend meals of soup and rice and peas with a meat dish.
When I married my wife, I could easily hold onto this tradition and expect her to have a meal or meals on the weekend that is typical of a Jamaican household.
My expectation, which would be not expressed because I assumed she should know this even though she grew up in the United States, is that this would be our weekend experience.
This has not been the case. I could easily get frustrated and become cold, distant, irritable and so on, simply because she didn’t follow tradition.
This is how stereotyping could sabotage my relationship with her.
2. Relying On Old Information
Most of us who have had any long-term relationship, have formed opinion of those individuals, which we have held onto. This leads into not giving a person a chance to grow, mature and change. I’ll say more about this inflexibility in the next sure-fire way.
It is true that most of what we know of other people wasn’t created out of thin air. They are the ones who gave us the script for us to read. They acted in certain ways and said things that gave us the data that we have stored in our internal hard-drive … our memories.
However, that information that was given to us, may have been given under duress, during their immature stage of life or in their attempt to create an impression that was unsustainable.
Now they have “grown” up. They have matured. They manage their stress better. They no longer need to impress. But what do we do? We don’t let go of the past. It is used as leverage or an excuse to behave a certain way.
This is one sure way of sabotaging your relationship with your mate, colleague, business partner or customer.
3. Practice Inflexibility
This is what we do with the Old Information stated above … we refuse to be flexible; to change.
Sometimes this is our way of remaining in control. It is a power-thing. We have something with which to draw on when we need to have the upper hand. It is our Old Information Card.
We keep this card in our back pocket so to speak. It is our security weapon.
As much as it may serve us, it sure isn’t serving our relationships. On the contrary, it is slowly sabotaging it (them).
Have you experience this? Have you done this?
Even though you are now faced with evidence to the contrary of your old information, you refuse to let go of it. Why? It’s your way of being in control.
Am I right or am I wrong? I would like to know your thoughts on this. Leave your feedback below in the comment box.
4. Keep The Blame Game Alive
I’ve yet to find a relationship that survives when the blame game is played continuously.
I know that there are times that the evidence is overwhelming where the blame lies squarely at the feet of another. I get that.
However, it is so much easier to shift the blame onto others rather than accept responsibility, which I’ll talk more about in the next sure-fire way to sabotage your relationship.
When we are in blame mode, we overlook the fact that there are situations or circumstances that are contributing factors to things that happen. We make a lot of assumptions.
In my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I see this a lot. Most times that is what couples do when they come into my office. They want me to take side as they lay the blame at the feet of the other person for the demise of their relationship. Little do they know that this is doing only one thing: sabotaging the very thing they want me to help them with.
To stop the blame-game is to take responsibility for the role you played in what has happened.
5. Refuse To Take Responsibility
When you refuse to take responsibility, it is for one of these reasons. i) To save your skin; to look “good” (self preservation) or ii) Pride.
There might be others, but these are the two I could think of at this moment. If you have other reasons, I would love to hear what they are. Make sure you leave a comment below in the box provided.
Researchers have a name for this behavior: it is called “self-serving bias.” What this means is that we perceive our behavior as more positive than that others. It is the tendency to take credit for the good things that happen to you while refusing to take blame for something that goes bad.
As I mentioned above, it is also an issue of pride. We don’t want to have to humble ourselves and say, “I did it. It’s my fault. I was wrong, Please forgive me.” That’s hard for some people to do.
When we fail to take responsibility, blame others, remain inflexible, hold onto old information and stereotype, we have created a recipe for relationship failure.
Which of these 5 Sure-Fire Ways That Sabotages Relationship are you guilty of or have you experienced?
Leave your feedback below.
