Two Words That Will Hinder Your Progress Are Always and Never. Here is how …
One of the techniques I use in my counseling sessions is to get my clients to remove the words NEVER and ALWAYS from their vocabulary. This is especially so when it is in the context of a relationship.
I do know there are times the words are acceptable and used to make a point.
For example, a parent may say to a child “never put your hand on a hot stove” or “you should always look before you cross the street.” This is an understandable use of the word.
Another example: my wife, after our first child said, “I’ll never do this again,” meaning having another child. I just listened with understanding. Almost three years later, we had our second child. This context was very understandable.
Often when a client uses the words always or never in counseling or in any conflict related setting, it is to make a point. “You NEVER listen to me” or “you ALWAYS interrupt me when I’m speaking.” You ALWAYS find fault with what I do.” “You NEVER help me with the kids.”
These accusations only go on and on. Each person is looking to make or score a point on the other. But, it doesn’t get them the point they are looking for. It only leads to more conflict.
If making progress is the goal, this is one sure way to abort it. Upon hearing the word, the accused party goes into resignation mode. You can see the slouching effect as they begin to shut down. The message is, “why bother” or “See, I can never win.”
These are the times when the accused person becomes defensive. They become defensive because they can recall a time when they did not do what others are saying of them. Even the complainant will agree that there are exceptions.
Here is what I know
The fact that they can both agree that there have been one or more exceptions, the statement can no longer be true. It is now an invalid argument.
The agreement also reduces the strength of the argument. This makes room for dialogue and finding solutions.
Have you ever found yourself locked into one of these unending loops? Did you feel like you had to defend yourself and prove the other person wrong? Were you the one trying to make the point? Did you get what you wanted?
The answer to the latter question is more than likely no. It may seem like you did, but the other person may have taken a position of “I’m not going to win this so what’s the use. I’m just not going to say any more” or walked away. Does that sound familiar?
So what is the remedy?
I suggest that you do not use the words NEVER or ALWAYS in any situation where there is conflict. It NEVER gets you what you want.
Instead, use these phrases:
“There are times that you do not …”
“Most of the times, I’m the one who has to initiate …”
“On occasions, you interrupt me when I’m trying to speak.”
“Most times that you angry, you raise your voice and I find myself fearful that …”
Here are three reminders when tempted to use the words NEVER or ALWAYS:
- Keep in mind the serious implications behind the words
- Look at the context from which the word originated and give the benefit of the doubt
- Make every effort to remove never and always from your vocabulary. Avoid “I never …” or “I always …” or “you never …” or “you always …”
What other words would you add to the list and why? Add your comment below to further this discussion.
