Here is why I applaud Ray Rice and this is the extent to which I will. I applaud him on his statement where he said that what he did “is inexcusable.”
Yes Ray, what you did is inexcusable, but can I also add, deplorable and criminal in nature … assault and battery.
Here is why I deplore the actions of Janay Palmer, wife of Ray Rice. I deplore h
er statements especially the one that seems to blame the media for what they’re going through and would also imply that what Ray did to her was justified. Her statements suggest that she deserved what happened.
I had a discussion with my son recently about this incident.
He was sharing the many comments being made on Twitter and other Social Media platform, about what should Ray have done when his wife was the one who seemingly attacked him first.
Obviously there are some things that we do not know about this incident. For example, I can bet it did not start in the elevator. The incident in the elevator was where it ended.
I would bet there were heated exchanges prior to the elevator in conversations they had prior. These actions do not just come out of nowhere.
My response to my son was that I can understand him (Ray Rice) defending himself against an aggressive wife. However, defending yourself does not mean you become aggressive in like manner.
Defending yourself could be, in this situation, grabbing her tightly because he is stronger than she is and could easily have done that.
It may also involve him wrestling her to the ground and pinning her there so she would not be able to continue to hurt him in anyway shape or form.This he could have done easily. C’mon, he is a football player who runs through 300 pound linesmen.
He could have pinned her and when possible, get off at the next floor to avoid any other confrontation. She could have still followed him and continue to hit and whatever else she was doing, but he could find other ways to still defend himself against her.
They Have Some Serious Issues That Needs Attention
It is obvious from this incident that these two individuals have some serious issues.
One of the main issues that I see reflected here, is that of anger. They both have anger (self control) issues.
Another issue I see is that of insecurity. I would also add that his wife Janay, do have some self-esteem issues as well. They both need individual help, which in this case would be therapy.
Having said all of that, I do not side with those from the outside who are making themselves experts on someone else’s life saying “this is what you should do.”
From A Professional Standpoint
As a counselor, my first recommendation if I was working with this couple, is to explore safety issues. If someone is not safe or feel safe in the relationship, then he or she needs to leave the relationship until they can resolve the safety issues. By suggesting leaving, I’m not saying get a divorce even though that could possibly be the end result. It’s giving them both a chance to work through and get to the bottom of their issues.
There could also be issues of co-dependency occurring as well. Co-dependency simply means that someone feels they cannot function as they would like, without the aid of someone or something else. Their lives have been so intertwined with that other person that they cannot fully function without them even though they might be in a dysfunctional relationship.
It’s Complicated
This situation with Ray and Janay Rice can be complicated as you might have now realized. This might be their normal, which really is abnormal, but maybe not to them. They might not know how to function in a relationship where there is not chaos and fighting. At least, they have learned how to do this.
The pain of staying in a relationship like this for Janay, might be less than that of leaving the relationship. I do not know all that is in her or his heart, but I can say that we do things because they serve a purpose that is beneficial to us.
There is a story behind this for her. How it serves her, only she knows. To ask or pressure her to give it up without something of equal or better value, makes it difficult. We need to take this into consideration. Yes, it seems crazy, but it’s to us it seem that way. It might make sense to her at this moment until she can get the appropriate help she needs.
Someone may argue that how this serves her is from a financial standpoint. Others may argue that this is what love does. I don’t know that it is financial for her why she would remain in the relationship but I know that this is not what love looks like.
What Is Love?
The reference of love that I use as a guide is that of the Bible (1 Cor. 13) where the Apostle Paul outlines what love is.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
So, my recommendation would be that she leaves the relationship which is not necessarily getting a divorce as I said before. But it’s to give time for them to each work through their issues and get the help they both desperately need.
Here are three areas that I would suggest they get some help:
1. Communication
2. Conflict Resolution
3. Anger Management
Taking responsibility for their action would be the place to start for each of them and not finding anyone to blame but themselves. This is called deflection.
My heart goes out to both of them and their families and my prayer is that they will get the help they need and turn this mess around. It is possible.
Your Turn To Add Your Comments
Care to chime in? What do you think I missed or was right about?
Leave your comment below.
